Thursday, 29 September 2011

I was cuddling up with Raife - who has just turned 3 - last night, helping him drift off to sleep.  It was just the two of us in bed, he was actually off to bed early for tipping his dinner all over the table, and he was really nice and snuggly warm.   "I love you mum" he whispered to me and a small warrm hand slipped under my pj top and rubbed my belly.

I started to cry. 

This is what he did while he was breastfeeding to sleep.  My heart aches for him so much. I just want to be able to snuggle up with him like normal, and feed him and make him happy. He's done so well, so understanding and so accepting but it still makes me feel hollow.  You cannot even begin to imagine the empty space inside me that sometimes appears, knowing so well what we are missing.  I miss it so much it feels like physical pain sometimes.  Just the closeness and the warmth and the skin to skin.  Those beautiful sleepy eyes and that dreamy satisfied sighing.  He's so gorgeous and I feel like I miss out on time that I had with him now.

Appreciate every single moment, never resent 'having' to sit down and spend those precious few minutes marvelling at what a wonderful opportunity you have to fall in love over and over and over.

I have had to find different ways of mothering now, and still none is as easy or as satisfying or as simple as breastfeeding was.



  1. Such a lump in my throat as I read this and i can relate to it so well.
    I'm going to read that aloud to students in the breastfeeding module that starts on Monday at Wintec.
    Fiona H

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