Thursday, 26 January 2012

So many reminders.

Every day I have a hundred little reminders. I get dressed, Bastian grumbles about waking up or maybe he hurts himself, I shower, I get cold - then hot - then cold, I wear a hat of some sort constantly, or Raife says to me 'you used to breastfeed me didn't you mum'.  That breaks my heart. 

We went camping and it was all going great until bedtime.  Bastian got tired and started rub his eyes so it was time for 'milt, milt'.  I go off to get the milk, warm it up and realise - with the most gut wrenchingly awful feeling - that I have no teats.  I have lots of our beautiful hard-gained milk all in varying states of frozen or defrosting and no teats. 

I ransack the tent, our bags, the car.  Nope.  None. 

Bastian is winding up and I am feeling the tears prickling in my eyes.  I become frantic and angry and upset and so so broken.  Bastian is crying and Daniel is getting frazzled and says to me 'well what are we going to do then' he's upset at the situation not at me but that's how it comes out.  And so I let rip.  Crying and yelling at him at the same time.  It's not my fault and how DARE he even begin to be angry at me for no longer being able to give our son what he needs.  How dare he.

And that's not fair on him so then I'm apologising and sobbing because now I feel like I'm letting down my son and my husband both.  The other two boys watch with what seems to be both confusion and concern. I'm so broken.

Some days it's so hard, and I blink back the tears as I write this.  Another awful reminder.

6 comments:

  1. my prayer with you that Father in heaven will care you and your family

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  2. I can't imagine how hard this is, but you can try to have nice reminders too, such as: you're alive, you have healthy and beautiful sons, a caring husband, friends around and people who cares!. Maybe trying to remember not to forget the good things you do have might help to ease your not so happy days too and forget about what you don't have anymore.

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  3. i am not sure how I came across your blog and facebook page but it has been truly inspiring. I had lymphoma 12 years ago, and now have 4 awesome children, your blog has brought many tears and memories for me, Your strength and determination is awesome. thank you for sharing, and I send you and your family all my love.

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