Monday, 28 May 2012

Yay for periods...

So I have finally had my first period since chemo - this means there is still something going on in there and the Zoladex may have done its job (and the hot flushes and sweats weren't just for fun).  It means that maybe, just maybe, the cyclophosphamide didn't trash me.  I struggled so so much with this.

But now I have to make a decision about whether to have another baby.  This is not your everyday kind of decision now.  There are so many other things to consider.

CONS
With a BRCA mutation my odds of ovarian cancer go up so much.  And there is no reason it would be hormone negative - it could well be hormone positive and if already there and undetected would grow crazily from the pregnancy hormones.

There seems there may be a correlation between working your body hard, making big changes etc, and recurrence in the early years following diagnosis.  Is pregnancy to be considered in this idea?

If I die in a few years my husband has another, younger baby to try and manage on his own.

Can I reasonably rely on the women of NZ to provide for another baby.  Particulary when formula does not feel like an option and mixed feeding carries so many unknown risks.

PROS
A new baby is such a healing process - helping you to remember the passion and love of life.

I feel incomplete.  To me having only 3 is no different to the person who only gets 1 and is desperate for more.  Noone can tell you how many is enough for you.

Your body is made for pregnancy, it is normal and healthy and is what your body is 'supposed' to be doing.

There are so many wonderful women out there that I am confident I could get milk.


Who knows?  Do I think about it and ponder it until menopause when it's too late?  Do I just jump in and let fate choose?  Do I wait until a few years have passed and my risk goes down, but then I'm so much older and it may be too late for me (keeping in mind that I had low levels of hormones from my ovaries to start with)?  I have no idea and there is no direction for this path. 

But I so want another baby....

6 comments:

  1. I personally think that if you want another baby then go for it. If Daniel agrees then why not?! Like you said a baby is a healing process, and if having another baby makes you happy, then surely the happy vibes running around your system should do you a whole heap of good. Its sometimes said that being happy is the best treatment in the world.

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  2. This is such a difficult and personal decision! I am a 33 year old mother of two precious boys, 3 1/2 and 2 1/2. I have been following your blog since I found it in September of last year, after I had been diagnosed with stage III, receptor positive breast cancer. It amazed me how similar our stories were, although I never could bring myself to comment. I don't want to sway your decision at all - I just wish that I had other people my age and in similar circumstances to tell me what decision they made and why - and it might give me something more to think of... and maybe make my decision easier... to take away some of the pressure I feel with every decision I have to make with this nightmare of a disease!! I'm done with the chemo, double mastectomy, and radiation (all considered necesary evils). I finished my chemo in January of this year, and ovulated in March, followed by a period in early April. My doctor here in the US reccommended an oophrectomy, with the thought that at my age and with healthy ovaries, the amount of estrogen being produced by them would be an amount that may make the tamoxifen not as effective if effective at all. My BRCA genes were normal. If they were positive as yours are, they would be pushing this all that much harder!! My OB doctor did say she would be willing to take the ovaries and leave my uterus, so I could carry another child if I wanted to go through egg donation and hormone therapy (...but as you said, those hormones would just feed the cancer even more, and wouldn't that kind of be the purpose for taking out the ovaries in the first place??? I mean... if I wanted to carry another child and risk the hormone therapy and pregnancy hormones feeding the cancer for the entire pregnancy, why wouldn't I just keep my own eggs for that time???).

    I decided on the oophrectomy and hysterectomy... my own precious boys are my reason. Sometimes I think I would love to add to our family... We have two healthy boys, both miracles, both blessings. Children add an indescribable something to your life... they are my reason for wanting to beat this!! They need their mama to be around - and I want to be around - to see the rest of their firsts!! Their first day of school... their first little league games.... their graduation... their first date (in that order)... their wedding... their own children (also in that order)!!! :) In order to increase my chances of being around to see all of those things happen, I might have to give up other things. These two boys are blessings that are here and now... and they are my future. I couldn't risk a greater possibility of not ever knowing that future because of something that I wanted....

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  3. continued...

    My surgery is scheduled for June 11... I guess I could still change my mind, but I don't think I can (if that makes any sense)... of course I struggle with all of the other decisions too... how can I feel like a woman when I have no breasts... I have so little hair (it grows so painfully slow), and soon I'll have no ovaries or uterus... What is left of me?? I don't know the answer to that... all I know is that whatever is left of me will love my babies until I exist no more... we have been so blessed with them... and I can't even think of another woman raising them, so I have to do whatever I can to increase my chances of being around for them...

    I feel like I wrote a book... I appologize for that... I don't ever comment on blogs (and probably will be encouraged to embrace that), and I really hope that you don't take this as something to sway your decision one way or the other... it is a personal decision - and it is your body - and your family!! Please - if you are interested in talking about anything... email me... I haven't really found any others our age around here to talk about this with!! my email is ergirl_78@yahoo.com I don't know if I should technically be putting that out there, but I guess it's not top secret or anything. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you in this decision - as I have been since I started reading your blog!! God bless,
    Kari

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