Thursday, 25 August 2011

At the moment we are on for tomorrow - I wont be totally comitted until it starts so you never know, I may just write tomorrow night saying it was a no go.

I am still 100% sitting on the fence. I don't want to do chemo - I didn't want bc or a mastectomy so that's not to say i wont do it - but I also don't want to not do chemo.  There is literally no information out there that can support me to make a decision either way.  And considering I work in healthcare I can say that if you are declining the current standard of care and protocol, or treatment, you need to be very certain that you are doing the right thing for you.  And I wouldn't be.  I would end up not doing it because I left it too late and couldn't make a decision.  That is not a good reason to decline anything - sticking my head in the sand is in no way helpful.

So I'll go do it and follow the masses.  You never know, in 20 years they'll say thank goodness you did it (never mind there's an equal chance they'll say why the hell....).  Resign myself to it really.  I am a research based person and other than vitamin c, there is no good quality, unbiased reasearch to support alternative treatments on their own, nor any way to measure them against chemo in terms of efficacy, harm vs benefit ratios or anything else.

And I start on daffodil day, weird.

To top it off Daniel is going away for 2 weeks training in Wellington on Sunday, then back up here to do a week of training, then back down to Wellington for four more weeks.  I have family coming to stay during his second stint and hopefully a friends' daughter will be able to come and help for the first two weeks.  After that it'll only be a problem if Daniel's shifts are all wrong for us.

On the bright side I started Charlie at a preschool 2 days a week (he'll do his 2 at playcentre still).  They are really good and we can come and go pretty much as we please and not obligated to any specific hours.  After a vist for half an hour and then 2 half day sessions with me there he says "on the next day mum you can just drop me off and the teachers can look after me.  I can tell them to ring you to come if I need you".  So I left him there and he didn't even look longingly at me as I walked out.  He wasn't remotely sad/upset/worried or fearful.  All those hundreds of hours of co-dependant relationships and attachment parenting have paid off -  and the one child I worried most for in terms of being without his parents strode out into his childhood, knowing intrinsicly that his Mum has got his back.  And now Raife is desperate to go too, so when he's 3 (in 4 weeks) he'll start too.  What on earth I'll do with my day I don't know, but Bastian is sure going to get some hardcore Mummy-love :-)

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