Saturday, 15 October 2011

almost halfway

Did the 3rd and final round of the fec on thursday, feeling a little like death warmed up today but at least I have a husband back.  It doesn't get easier and this time the only way I was letting that red poison into me was if i started it myself, which they let me do.  On the funny side - they seemed suprised that I was an hour with the new oncologist and not my allocated 15mins - I thought they had it figured but no....

I had a hard day this morning and a big cry.  It just all gets a bit much to take in and there are so many little reminders throughout your day.  Like how my towel won't stay up when I wrap it around me after a shower - my chest is now slightly concave.  Or how you lean forward onto a table/bench and rest your breasts on your arms, but now I just slip down.  At the time its funny but sometimes it just sucks.

Partly I think it's because I have my breasts sitting in a paper bag in my cupboard.  I picked them up from the lab and I'm not sure I want to look at them.  They are in formalin so they wont go rotten, and I'm pretty sure they'll be well chopped up. I want to see what the tumours look like - but I'm pretty sure I don't want to see my nipples.  Although I feel it's important to see someone you know after they died, so maybe this is the same.  I face it and grieve and then bury them with Bastian's placenta and my hair that is sitting on my bathroom cabinet.  I don't care if people think it's weird or crazy.  They kept all my babies alive and healthy for many years and never let us down - even when the cancer was growing in there.  They deserve a certain respect, in no less a way than Bastian's whenua,  Both are connections to his mother and his early life and he was the last to use them ( I'm not really including my hair in that - it just seems wasteful to put it in the rubbish and I'm at a loss with what to do with it...especially since I still have some)

The little note that comes attached to the very heavy bag says that tissue should be disposed of carefully and larger pieces should be returned to the lab for incineration.  Why on earth would I take them all the way home and then bring them back to burn?  How ridiculous.

I am tired.  Tired of being sad, tired of being 'fragile', tired of the world being poisonous in 3 week cycles and not being able to go anywhere, tired of injecting myself, tired of crying and sobbing in front of strangers, tired of being grumpy at the kids because they want me to come and play and I don't the energy to do it, tired of pushing myself, tired of having to rely on everyone else when it is so important to me to be self sustaining, tired of getting out of my pyjamas, tired of being tired.

Plus my dog is at the vets because her back legs have gone all wobbly and her eyes all flickery and the vet thinks she ate some poisonous mouldy stuff and she's really crook and she's my little boofhead and this is the last thing I need.  Poor Shade. 

Some days everything is too much.


  1. My Mum often said when going through chemo that sometimes she felt as if the light at the end of the tunnel was just another train coming the other way. But it is light. You will get through because you are a brave, strong woman - even if at times you don't feel like it. Sending you and your family (and your puppy) love. X

  2. ...nodding as I read you wanting to keep your hair and your breasts and bury them respectfully. I still have the hair that I cut off after a miscarriage.

    Standing with you Jaynie.

  3. Sometimes allowing others to help us when we can't help ourselves is actually a gift that we give to others. I have a couple of friends who are very good at giving to others but very poor at receiving. The upshot of this is that I find myself avoiding them much of the time because I end up feeling beholden to them. I don't mind receiving help from them when I need it but when I try to reciprocate they end up either refusing the help or making me feel badly (not deliberately, I'm sure) because they needed the help.

    We all need help at various points in our lives - hard as it may be to admit it - and we tend to pride ourselves on our independence but sometimes it's just as loving to allow others to help us as it is to help others.

    Sending prayers to you and your doggie.

  4. Hi Jaynie like you said choosing chemo probably was the harder option!!! it sounds shit and i really cant imagine how hard it is for you and what you have to deal with on a daily basis. Your breasts and hair do deserve a send off and to buried if thats what you want, they are part of you in your grieving its important to do what helps you.
    On a not so brighter note my darling husband has a heart attack last week he survived thank god but what a fright. He has to do the old school way of letting the heart re grow vesssels to the dead area stenting was too dangerous our bodies are amazing and your will recover too from chemo. Lots of love and light to you Tracey xx

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