Monday, 2 July 2012

I have been putting off this post for a week now...

On Sunday the 24th June it was a year since my life as I knew it disintergrated and a new life of tiredness and guilt and pity began.

It was a year since I stood outside those self-opening double doors to the surgical unit with my baby on my hip, trying my hardest not to run.

It was a year since I took a big breath, brushed away my tears and made a decision that would break my heart, deprive my babies and maybe save my life.

It was a year since my mothering was stolen, a year since my health was stolen, a year since my self was stolen.

And it was a whole year since I last breastfed.

I was hoping that time would heal etc etc, but that's wrong.  It burns in my heart like the day it happened.  It is a raw and open wound that will not heal.  No matter how much I ignore it, bury it or pretend it's not there - it will not go away.

So I sat in the car with 3 beautiful sleeping children and cried like it was that day again. I cried for my poor children being put through this awful journey, I cried for my poor husband who fears for the life of his love, I cried for my parents watching helplessly as their daughter gets sicker and sicker, and then I stopped.

I will not cry for me.  Not today.  This is not a place I am prepared for, nor a place I want to even peep at.  I will not cry for me because I need to use that energy more wisely.

I will not cry for me because I fear I will never stop.

Time does not heal everything. At least not a year, it doesn't even cause a ripple or touch the sides.  Nothing is diluted and nothing is easier. 

Time does not heal everything.

9 comments:

  1. Crying for you Jaynie. Thinking of you and your beautiful family.

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  2. so true Jaynie when your heart has broken as badly as this the pain never lessens, those of us who experience this similar pain somehow battle on through the years with this constant aching....:(

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  3. Your words struck me right in the heart Jaynie. Much love to you sweetheart.

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  4. Oh Jaynie, the pain is just too much. I cry and I cry xxxxxxx Victoria

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  5. thinking of you Jaynie

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  6. Oh darling. Life is just a shit sometimes. Of all the beautiful women I know you are one that holds a special place in my heart. I've cried for you and Dan and the boys. Those special beings in your life. Special thoughts of you and the whanau my friend, Mum, Dad and everyone else. Love and blessings to you all. Love you lots girl. Rose

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